The Longer You Wait, The Harder It Gets

“BE AFRAID, BE KIND OF AFRAID.”  Ah, the glory of a great movie tagline.  Even the crappy ones are fun: “TITANS WILL CLASH.” Guess what movie that was from.

Taglines are serious business in Hollywood.  They’re  used to create buzz in the increasingly cluttered pile of movie marketing.  One good line can generate free advertising for a production for years, especially if it becomes part of popular culture – “THEY’RE BAAAACK” Who doesn’t utter that little gem every time their in- laws show up?

All over the webiverse, there are lists of taglines – popular taglines, cringe worthy taglines, funny taglines.  My criteria for Suzy’s Tagline Hall of Fame is simple:

(1) Do I easily use it in my daily conversations?  Thus it must be short – unlike “THEY CAME TO SPACECAMP WITH THE DREAM OF BECOMING ASTRONAUTS…SUDDENLY…WITHOUT WARNING…THEY WERE LAUNCHED INTO SPACE…BEFORE THEY WERE READY” Seriously? Who wrote that?

(2) Can I say it without sounding like an idiot?  At my age (none of your business) and with my obvious lack of street cred there are certain things I can never say. For instance, with me, nothing will ever be “da bomb”, I don’t nor will I ever “roll with my homies” and I don’t have “peeps” or a “posse”.  I couldn’t “sex up” anybody if I tried. I’d probably just stand there and giggle.

(3) If a tagline is so overused or badly used, I will not be able to choke it out. “I’LL BE BACK”  If my  Grampa Joe is using it...

Suzy’s Pantheon of Taglines:
1. “BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID” Just works in all situations – much like cursing.

2. “WORK SUCKS”  Admit it, you said this before Office Space was released.

3. “JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER” The little black dress of taglines.

4. “IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM” I once said that to a gentleman caller after a particularly enjoyable date was about to end with a furious round of hubba hubba. Except I said “In my bedroom, no one can hear you scream.” I never saw him again.

So while clever and appropriate use of a movie tagline in everyday discourse won’t make you as hip as Dennis Miller, it might make you popular enough so you don’t have to take your sister to prom.

PIECES FORM THE WHOLE

Focused attention span is a response to a stimulus that attracts attention. After about 8 short seconds the subject will likely look away, return to a previous task or think about something else. (still with me?) 


That’s just one reason why everything - scripts, movies, dates - have to start at the top of the rollercoaster.  The sheer volume of devices and information fighting for our attention has produced an impatient, concentration deficient public. Instant rice, sound bites, viral videos, smart phones .... BRB, I just got a text.


A strong beginning doesn’t guarantee a successful script, movie, or relationship but it may keep the public interested longer than the time it takes to flush a toilet. Even the Universe understands the importance of starting with a bang.  Or God, if you go that way, started with light. Very dramatic!   Although now, execs would give Him only 3 days instead of 7 to find his audience.  


There are some well -known classic movie openings that have defied era, genre and budget like Touch of Evil and Saving Private Ryan. I like those too, but allow me to present some of my favorite beginnings. They may not start with an explosion but they left a strong impression and a great desire to keep watching.  And these films did not disappoint.


1. “Body Double” 
Jake Scully, an affable young guy, comes home early from work. He walks slowly down the hall to his bedroom.  He can hear his girlfriend giggling and laughing behind the closed door. Jake is smiling, trusting, unaware. You sit there, cringing, unable to look, with knowledge of the impending carnage. You whisper under your breath, “Don’t go in there”.  It’s as bad as any horror movie when he does.  


2. “The Social Network”
Eight pages of rapid fire, perfect (I say “perfect” and mean it) dialogue that actually begins before the Columbia logo ends.  You’re already behind.  The perfect (yes, again) introduction to the guy that invented Facebook.

Death and Night and Blood

I love movies. Everything about them. Movie theaters are life affirming.  There’s something about a shared emotional experience with strangers in the dark -  and not just because it sounds naughty.

I revel in the sticky floor, stale air goodness.  I get excited when I score the seat right behind the metal railing so I can put my feet up.  I go early to watch the trailers.  (I call them trailers, not previews, because I’m hip like that.)

Bitch all you want about the concessions, I love every over-priced, fat-logged treat they sell. Three years ago, I proposed to the Arizona Republic that I write a series of investigative but funny articles on the quality and variety of concession food at various valley movie theatres.  I’m still waiting for a response.

Now here’s the real difference between people who like movies and people who love movies: true film buffs spend as much time discussing bad movies as they do good movies.  And we keep lists, some mental, some literal.  We list our favorite and least favorite everything, from the obscure to the mundane to the nth degree.  There it is: the secret cinephile handshake.

Thus passes the introduction for what I hope will be an irregularly regular feature of my blog. -  lists and commentaries on my favorite and least favorite movie matters.

First up are my least favorite movie death scenes. I’ve limited the List of Shame to three for now in the interest of time and space (and not wanting to waste either).
Now I’m sure all of these movies started out with excellent intentions, creative writers, and an honest desire to tell a first-rate story and make a butt load of money.  However… somewhere, someone let go of the rope.

10. DEEP BLUE: Death By Circus Shark
The death of Samuel L. Jackson should get two spots on this list. It was both absurd and undignified.  In the middle of Mr. Jackson’s motivating “We’re all in this together” speech, a Flying Wallenda of a Great White jumps out of the pool and with stealth bomber precision, plucks our hero off dry land and double flips back into the water. As if the death itself wasn’t pathetic enough, this is Samuel L. Jackson, for crying out loud. He deserves better. I know he was playing a part, but still, when Samuel L. Jackson is in your movie, it is your responsibility to be as cool as he is.

And that was not cool.

9. VAN HELSING:  Death by Fancy Couch
Thrown in with the CGI and steroid enhanced vampires and werewolves, there’s tiny, human Kate Beckinsale. Lovely Kate is horribly brutalized throughout this bloated and boring movie. Everyone has it in for her, including her own brother. She bounces off rooftops, plunges from cliffs, and repeatedly goes ten rounds with sexy chick vamps – and don’t let the negligees fool you; these undead tarts can throw down. Kate manages to endure all this without the slightest injury or need to reapply her lip-gloss.

Then during the big finale (cue music), Hugh Jackman bumps her with little more force than a sneeze and Iron Kate lands dead on a chaise.  And I’m only being a little ironic.  I’m just grateful there were no last words.

Exquisitely grateful.
8. STARSHIP TROOPERS: He’s Just Not That Into You.
Butchy bad girl Diz lusts after our hunky, sensitive hero, Johnny Rico for over an hour – and that’s a long time in movie land.  (We know he’s sensitive because when someone dies, he gets very upset.) But, in classic movie form, he goes with the pretty, girly Carmen.  Then they break up. Johnny is very hurt (because he’s so sensitive).  He seeks solace in Diz’s butchy va-jay-jay.  Diz is so happy she takes a laser blast in the gut during a battle so Johnny can live and continue to be hunky and sensitive.

With her last breath, she reassures him “It was worth it, Johnny, ‘cuz I got to have you.” (Sometimes movie theaters should come with airsick bags.)  Johnny then tosses her not cold body aside and shtups Denise Richards who finally realizes how hunky and sensitive he is.

In the next life, try playing hard to get.

LOVE FOR SALE

There’s an old Jewish joke:
The Strongman at the circus is performing his act. He lifts 300 pounds above his head. He bends and straightens a metal bar. He breaks a steel chain with his bare hands! For the finale, he takes an ordinary lemon in his right hand and a glass in his left.  He squeezes out all the juice from the lemon into the glass.  He shows the dried up lemon skin to the audience and they are awed.   He offers anybody a thousand dollars in they can get even one more drop out of the lemon.


And one man says, “I’ll try.” He walks up on the stage. He’s in his 60’s, five feet five, a little dumpy, bald, with thick glasses.  He squeezes the lemon and fills the glass with juice.


The Strongman is flabbergasted.  He says, “Who are you, sir? What do you do?”
The man says, “I’m a fundraiser for the UJA.”

But seriously, folks …. how do you ask friends and family for money? That’s the dilemma we encountered when  considering ways to finance our web series  STRONGHOLD.

Experts say if you want to raise money, make the cause personal.   But it’s already personal – what’s more personal than money and dreams? The problem is, it’s their money and our dreams.  Plus, it’s not a shared dream.  It’s not world peace.

Additionally, this isn’t a great business move for potential investors. They aren’t buying anything with a monetary gain; they aren’t investing in their future; and they won’t get their money back.

There’s no feel good factor. It’s not a noble cause.  No one died.   No one’s threatening to die.  No one’s even sick. There’s no karmic payoff.

Generally people don’t want to pay for other people’s kids, mistakes, or dreams.  Most people have all three of their own to contend with.  And, as everyone knows, kids, mistakes, and dreams tend to be costly.

So the Entity Eye team has decided to ask strangers for money.  And while all the same obstacles exist, it seems somehow easier to be more aggressive about it.  After all, we won’t be seeing any of them at Thanksgiving.  No awkward tussle over the last spoonful of green bean casserole. No ugly suggestion that you do the dishes because you owe everyone there money.

Toward that end, we set up a page at Indiegogo.com/STRONGHOLD to raise funds for our web series Stronghold  (No One Saw It Coming).   The page reflects our talent and dedication. We infused it with our own particular sense of humor so it stinks of funny.  And in a brilliant business move worthy of Steve Job’s envy, we don’t actually ask for contributions. We want you to “Join the Resistance”.  Of course, it costs money to Join the Resistance but you’re getting cool swag and a cute story to tell at cocktail parties.

Is this going to work? I’m an optimist so I’m going with a resounding “You betcha’.”  You see, yesterday I pulled up to the drive-through window at Starbucks to pay for my overpriced cup of coffee only to find the fellow in the car ahead of me had already paid for it.  If a stranger is willing to do that, maybe he’d be willing to buy a Death Cards patch to support our production.  Worth a shot.

So go to Indiegogo.com/STRONGHOLD.  If you aren’t swayed by our talent, dedication, and passion; and if your karmic cup is full, and you don’t like the tee shirt, contribute anyway… because it’s just a really nice thing to do.  And we promise we’ll work on that world peace thing as soon as we can.

By the way, if you liked that joke, check out the podcast OLD JEWS TELLING JOKES on Itunes for more cheeky Jewish humor.

Dim all the lights, sweet darling ...

As the resident producer for Entity Eye, I’m easily identified as that short girl in the back mumbling “It costs how much”?  Here’s how it works:

Entity Eye productions have minimal (miniscule, tiny, itty bitty)  budgets. Craft services consists of whatever we have a coupon for or which pizza delivery place has the best deal.
A.  I’m a happy, smiley kinda gal.

B. I have the basic human desire to be liked (although my ultimate goal is to be adored worldwide). And nobody likes the girl who says “You can’t have that. It’s too expensive.”

C. We’re perfectionists who care about even the most mundane detail in an irritatingly sincere way.
Therefore,  A+B+C = How can we get what we need and stay in budget?

A case in point:
STRONGHOLD (No One Saw It Coming!) episode one, scene one:  War is raging.  Light from falling bombs illuminates Voodoo’s bedroom...cut.  In order to simulate the flashes of light from the bomb explosions, we flashed three strobe lights covered in orange and yellow gels. The effect was realistic but the strobes caused pixelization of the final product.  Then we used a dimmer for one of the lights.  There was some improvement but we decided we needed dimmers for all three lights.  Dimmer switches that can handle 500 watt lights are crazy expensive, so we decided to make our own.

Our first stop was the hardware store. We bought a couple of 600 watt three way dimmers (our first mistake);  two extension cords, boxes, and lids (our second mistake); and a wire stripper apparently made by Fisher Price.  Then we went to Fernando’s Dad’s house because he knows about these things.  After he stopped laughing at our wire stripper (they come in adult size - who knew) he decided to help us, probably out of pity.

We put together the first dimmer as best we could.  The directions for the three way dimmer looked like they had been drawn by a very drunk Andrew Pollack. The light worked but the dimmer didn’t.  We tried the other dimmer and got a light that dimmed.  Our victory  dance  (very ’80’s in a Footloose-cool kinda way) was short lived. The box and lid were too small for the dimmer.

At this point, it’s late, it’s raining and it’s cold and I just want to go home and eat cake.  But Mr. Perez the Elder shortened the metal dimmer with a fancy machine that made a lot of noise.  So...back to the hardware store where we bought a simpler one way dimmer which we hoped wasn’t defective (it wasn’t) and the right size box and lid.  A little wire stripping and twisting later - sounds like porn for electricians - and we had three working dimmers on extension cords that could handle 500 man-sized watts of electricity.

EPILOGUE
Keep in mind that this is not a “how to”, this is a “how we did it”. We’re not electricians. We have a legitimate fear of electricity, especially near water and prisons.  Every time I plug in one of our rigged up devices the crew takes a healthy step back. No one has been injured yet, but it’s just a matter of time before we hear a heartfelt, desperate “someone call 9-1-1.” Then why do we do it? Why risk becoming a smoldering baked potato with a bad Toni home perm? Because it was within our budget and because now the scene looks awesome.   See for yourself at  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o5_GRC8ksY