I love movies. Everything about them. Movie theaters are life affirming. There’s something about a shared emotional experience with strangers in the dark - and not just because it sounds naughty.
I revel in the sticky floor, stale air goodness. I get excited when I score the seat right behind the metal railing so I can put my feet up. I go early to watch the trailers. (I call them trailers, not previews, because I’m hip like that.)
Bitch all you want about the concessions, I love every over-priced, fat-logged treat they sell. Three years ago, I proposed to the Arizona Republic that I write a series of investigative but funny articles on the quality and variety of concession food at various valley movie theatres. I’m still waiting for a response.
Now here’s the real difference between people who like movies and people who love movies: true film buffs spend as much time discussing bad movies as they do good movies. And we keep lists, some mental, some literal. We list our favorite and least favorite everything, from the obscure to the mundane to the nth degree. There it is: the secret cinephile handshake.
Thus passes the introduction for what I hope will be an irregularly regular feature of my blog. - lists and commentaries on my favorite and least favorite movie matters.
First up are my least favorite movie death scenes. I’ve limited the List of Shame to three for now in the interest of time and space (and not wanting to waste either).
Now I’m sure all of these movies started out with excellent intentions, creative writers, and an honest desire to tell a first-rate story and make a butt load of money. However… somewhere, someone let go of the rope.
10. DEEP BLUE: Death By Circus Shark
The death of Samuel L. Jackson should get two spots on this list. It was both absurd and undignified. In the middle of Mr. Jackson’s motivating “We’re all in this together” speech, a Flying Wallenda of a Great White jumps out of the pool and with stealth bomber precision, plucks our hero off dry land and double flips back into the water. As if the death itself wasn’t pathetic enough, this is Samuel L. Jackson, for crying out loud. He deserves better. I know he was playing a part, but still, when Samuel L. Jackson is in your movie, it is your responsibility to be as cool as he is.
And that was not cool.
9. VAN HELSING: Death by Fancy Couch
Thrown in with the CGI and steroid enhanced vampires and werewolves, there’s tiny, human Kate Beckinsale. Lovely Kate is horribly brutalized throughout this bloated and boring movie. Everyone has it in for her, including her own brother. She bounces off rooftops, plunges from cliffs, and repeatedly goes ten rounds with sexy chick vamps – and don’t let the negligees fool you; these undead tarts can throw down. Kate manages to endure all this without the slightest injury or need to reapply her lip-gloss.
Then during the big finale (cue music), Hugh Jackman bumps her with little more force than a sneeze and Iron Kate lands dead on a chaise. And I’m only being a little ironic. I’m just grateful there were no last words.
Exquisitely grateful.
8. STARSHIP TROOPERS: He’s Just Not That Into You.
Butchy bad girl Diz lusts after our hunky, sensitive hero, Johnny Rico for over an hour – and that’s a long time in movie land. (We know he’s sensitive because when someone dies, he gets very upset.) But, in classic movie form, he goes with the pretty, girly Carmen. Then they break up. Johnny is very hurt (because he’s so sensitive). He seeks solace in Diz’s butchy va-jay-jay. Diz is so happy she takes a laser blast in the gut during a battle so Johnny can live and continue to be hunky and sensitive.
With her last breath, she reassures him “It was worth it, Johnny, ‘cuz I got to have you.” (Sometimes movie theaters should come with airsick bags.) Johnny then tosses her not cold body aside and shtups Denise Richards who finally realizes how hunky and sensitive he is.
In the next life, try playing hard to get.
